New old... eh, I've lost count!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost....
I adore Coldplay. They are by and far one of my absolute favorite bands to come out since the death of Kurt Cobain. I think Chris Martin is Shakespeare for the 21st century. Pick any song: "Violet Hill", "Talk" Yellow", "Warning Sign", "'Til Kingdom Come". It's just beauty, waiting for you to take it in. Having said this, my newest musical fixation is the song "Lost" from the album "Viva la Vida, or Death and All His Friends". The words are simply amazing. A sample: Just because I'm losingDoesn't mean I'm lostDoesn't mean I'll stopDoesn't mean I will crossJust because I'm hurtingDoesn't mean I'm hurtDoesn't mean I didn't get what I deserveNo better and no worseI just got lostEvery river that I've tried to crossAnd every door I ever tried was lockedOoh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off... Those are some of the most inspirational words I've ever let my ears hear in my life. Think about that. "Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost". Praise God for that! Matthew 18:11 tells us "For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost." Even those who have Christ in their life will sometimes feel like they are losing. One of my best friends from high school has a favorite saying, "Born to lose but out to win". While I may not necessarily agree with the way he states it (I personally think it should be "Born to win, thought I was losing, but I'm going to win", but that's not as catchy.), I completely agree with his sentiment. And if anyone knows about feeling lost, it's him. He's been through his ups and downs in life (like us all!) but he's gaining his path back now. He told me just today that he wants to go back to school to major in psychology and go in to addiction counseling. He definitely has enough experience and he's smarter than a whip. And I think he was make a great counselor. God knows he's had enough practice, being my friend in high school!In high school I had two very close friends, the guy I have been talking about and my constant companion and fellow colorguard member, J. We were pretty much inseperable for the greater part of my high school career and into my freshman year at college, until a silly little tift broke us apart. What it really was was distance, I realize in hindsight. They were both Seniors in high school and I was at UGA in Athens. But my love for those two has not waned through the years. We have been apart for ten years now, but I talk to them online and it feels as though there is no distance between us. We've all changed, we've all gone through our own journey to become the people that we have become, but there is a core of us that is still devoted to one another and I feel such joy just knowing that. I had a moment with the Lord the other day after realizing this. I was talking to J via IM and we had to end the conversation for one reason or another. I went outside to smoke my cigarette (yes, I am still smoking. I'm praying for the strength to quit, but it hasn't come so far. I know it will one day, but until then Marlboro Ultra Lights and I are as close as can be.) and I just had to praise God for my beautiful, funny, successful friend. She is absolutely amazing and I can't wait to get to meet her husband and stepdaughters and begin again with each other.My point is: I feel like I'm losing sometimes. Often times, as a matter of fact. I mean, I'm twenty-eight (almost twenty-nine, February 16). I've never been married, I don't have any children, I don't own a home, I don't even own a car anymore. (Mr. Butler! *shakes fist teasingly*) So it's sometimes very easy for me to overlook what success I have had. I graduated from college with a BA, I've travelled to several exotic locales, I've written an entire novel! But my biggest success of all is accepting Jesus in to my life. It's a victory I will strive to achieve each and every day. Each morning now I make it a point to get up and put on the full armor of God.Oh, I'm still a rebellious little thing. I think you have all kinds of Christians in the world. You have your fire and brimstone Christians, your Backrow Gossipers, your Sweet People, and then you have your Punks. That's me. I am the one you're going to find hanging out with the skateboarders, the musicians, the bikers at the church. But does it matter what you classify yourself as, as long as you have Christ in your heart and live in a Christ-like way? I think not, but I'm still new to all this. But doesn't Matthew 7 tell us "Judge not, least ye be judged?" And that's all I care about, what the Lord tells me. I've always been a live and let live person. I guess you could call me a "Live and let live Christian". I think that my only job is to set a good example of a Christian and to lead others to Christ in that manner.I am not the Shepherd. That is my Lord. Most people are familiar with the Psalm, Pslam 23:1 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want". And I completely trust that he will guide me.How could I possibly feel lost with that in mind? "The Lord is my Shepherd". It can seem frustrating that I don't know the entire path that God has set before me when I think about it. Not knowing what is going to happen next year, next month, next week, even the next hour. But I just have to place my trust in God. And I really hate not having control over situations. I'm stubborn that way. It's part of what has kept me from Him for so long. I was never able to step aside, put my own ego aside, and let him guide me. Like one of those "God is my co-pilot" bumper stickers. (By the way, those are wrong too. God is MY pilot!) Now that I have decided to let the Lord take the lead, I don't feel lost anymore. I feel like I'm on a great adventure! "Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost". It's so true. I'm never lost because I am with God!
Posted by Hols Rocks at 11:17 AM 0 comments
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Monday, January 11, 2010

In the beginning.....
Last night I simply could not sleep. It was just one thing after another plaguing my sleep. And that was upsetting because I love to sleep. I sleep to dream. "To sleep, perchance to dream" as Hamlet says. Ecclesiastes 5:12 states "The sleep of the working man is pleasant, whether he eats little or much; but the full stomach of the rich man does not allow him to sleep." I am by no means a rich (wo)man in the typical sense in of the word, but I am rich in the fact that I am growing in my relationship with God. Like any good Southern girl living in the Bible Belt of America, I grew up going to church. It was not my parents that took me, however, it was my aunt. My mom was more likely sleeping in and my dad out hunting, whether it be hunting for deer or hunting for deals at a flea market. So I grew up as what I like to call a "dabbler". I think I have been to as many diffent kind of churches as possible: Pentecosal, Pentecostal Holiness, Holiness, Baptist, Catholic, Episcopalian, just plain Christian. Always trying to find my place, I never quite felt like I did find it. Sometimes I wasn't trying hard enough, some times I was trying too hard. And then there was my education to deal with. When I took Humanities, I wanted to know as much as possible about the other religions of the world. Other religions that had so many believers of a different sort. How could Buddhism, Hinduism, Muslim, Judaism, Toaism, and all the others be wrong? And then there was my ever-present struggle with Jesus Christ, the man and the myth.My relationship with Jesus has always been.....troubled, I guess would be the easiest way to put it. God I have never been unsure of. How can you look around you and not believe in God? The trees, the birds, the grass, the sun, everything sings of his exsistence. But Jesus? Where's the proof? That's all I have ever been able to ask myself. WHERE'S THE PROOF? Try as I might to justify any thoughts I could have about Jesus, in the back of my mind I was always screaming "Where's the proof?" Until I discovered that it wasn't about proof, it's about faith. Having faith in something means that you don't need proof. It's about trust. And that's something that I have always neglected to know the importance of. I always used to say that my two biggest attributes to look for in a person were honesty and loyalty. Maybe that was because I recognized that honesty was the one attribute I needed to work on. I have struggled with honesty, sometimes being honest to a fault, sometimes lying my tuckas off. I am, however, am extremely loyal. I would lay down my life for someone that I truly loved. In fact, it's this attribute that has gotten me into such serious trouble. If I am willing to give someone my all, then I expect to get their all in return. But what I failed to recognize is that sometimes it is just too much to ask that of someone. After all, all the people that I know are merely human. What I have failed to realize is that I have been searching for the relationship that I should have been seeking with God, my Creator, with some one who is earthly, merely a creation.My struggle began very early in life, with the loss of my father and then my mother. How could a just and fair God take them away from me when I needed them so much? And then I felt alone, lost, with out guidance, as the people my mother had entrusted me with took advantage of my young age and took everything that my parents had left me. Still, I tried to do what my parents had wanted me to achieve. I went to college, where I majored in theatre, which is really nothing more than the art of lying. People were always praising me, telling me how strong I was for going through such tragic circumstances and still keeping on. What choice did I have? I couldn't bury myself in the ground with my parents. I had to keep on living. But the truth of the matter was I was just as dead as they were, I just didn't know it yet.It wasn't until I was raped that God truly began His work on me. I was so angry at the guy who raped me that I didn't know what to do. I was scared and I had never felt as alone as I did in that moment. Then I found out that I was preganant as a result of the rape. As odd as it may seem, I didn't feel alone anymore. I felt as though I was waking up after a long sleep. Suddenly I had something to live for! My child, my dream of all dreams, despite how she was concieved. She was my one precious ray of light in the darkness that had become my life. I had already picked out her name, Genesis Dawn, "beginning new". I was planning on raising her with my gay best friend and I was very excited. Until I had the miscarriage, followed very closely by the dismissal of my charges against my rapist. It felt as though God had betrayed me once again. And the very worst parts of me came unglued and unleashed. I began lying about everything, trying make everyone think that I was much better off than I really was. I was ashamed of myself. I didn't want anyone to know how weak I truly felt, how dead I truly felt inside. The worst thing was my betrayal of one of my favorite cousins. In my sick and twisted mind I was getting justice; justice for myself against my rapist, justice for cousin against her ex-husband. The lying just wouldn't stop for me. I lied to everyone, but mostly to myself. I was not okay. I needed help, I needed support, I needed change.I went through a very dark period. I had surgery which removed part of my fallopian tube, I was arrested and spent three days in jail, I broke my sister's and my best friends' hearts. I was at rock bottom, or so I thought, until I hit the runaway horse. It was a dark night and I was checking to make sure that nothing had happened to my aunt and my cousin on their way home from Wednesday night church when out of no where Mr. Butler (that's what I named the midnight black pony, after Bonnie Butler's pony in "Gone With the Wind")jumped through the window and roof of my car. I knew in that instant that I was dead. I could feel my heart stop beating and I could see the faces of all the people I loved (including my cruddy ex-boyfriend) flash before me. Sound was gone, sight was gone, feeling was gone. Just as quickly, though, everything came back to me. I felt my heart restart and I immediately went in to action, screaming at the top of my lungs for help.If you could see my dearly departed car, you would know just how lucky I am to be alive. You would know just how lucky Mr. Butler is to be alive too. Luckily for both of us God was with us that night. Neither of us was seriously injured. Mr. Butler had to have stitches and I still can't use my pinky finger or lift my right arm higher than my shoulder, but for what we both got in rturn, I think we both would do it all over again (except maybe I could just see him. I do miss my car, as selfish as that sounds. But I'm only human!). Mr. Butler, who was seriously malnourished and uncared for, recieved a wonderful warm home and a loving new owner (Me!) and I finally truly recieved Jesus Christ into my heart. I finally knew the difference between knowledge and faith. I finally have faith that God did send his only Son to earth in a human body to teach us and to die for our sins so that one day we can walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. ("Did you hear what I said? Walk! Beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven." Couldn't resist throwing a Forrest Gump quote in!) That is the most beautiful thing I have ever realized in my life! I have always known deep down that I am a good person. I like to do good things. I like to help people, I like to make people happy. I enjoy holding the door for people and giving compliments. I like to be generous with my money (when I have it!). But I have done some truly awful things. I feel so much better knowing that I can tell God all of my sins and, instead me trying to put my past behind me, He can put my past behind Him. (Thanks go to Beth Moore for that one. Praise God that He knows the exact words to give His messengers!)That night I realized "The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1, 27 ironically being my favorite number...) Instead of searching for that relationship with someONE now, I know look forward to improving my relationship with The ONE! This brings me joy and comfort. Even though I still have dark moments in my days (who doesn't?), now whenever I feel that way I simply think to myself, "Dear God, help me through this". And He does. He really does.