written on 12/1/10......

My life has always been chaotic. Filled with loss and wonder.I think I have always screamed for attention, for unconditional love. But the closest I ever felt was the love of my cat. Until I met Julie. She was precocious little four year old at the time. I think we recognized kindred spirits in one another. She quickly became my little shadow, but she was really a little ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak life. I was at my absolute lowest when she came back in to my life. I had been smacked in the face by karma for the lies, for the theft. I felt punished for terrible things that had happened to me and I was counting each scar on soul like a personal affront and tried to take vengence on my own, hurting the ones I loved most in this world along the way. I went out of my way to push everyone that I loved and admired away from me. I went down in a blaze.
Now I am trying to rise up out of the ashes of that ruin to build my life differently. Note that I did not say rebuild my life because I don't want that same life now. My number one priority now is the Lord. Part of my regression from society has been trying to build a passionate relationship with God. The thing that I am trying to remember is that we are all different and therefore we all have a different relationship with our Lord. I have to figure out what our chemistry is. Obviously we are not lovers. I'm never going to be a nun and those most devoted to committing mind, body, and soul are the only true lovers of the Lord, in that sense of the word. That's like the Holy Ghost part of the trinity to me, the aspect that I can feel, but I can't touch. (MC Hammer moment.... okay, I'm back....) But I have more respect for Him than if He were my brother, which is like the Son. Which is why I have trouble understanding just quite what my feelings toward Jesus are. I mean, he's like literally the Perfect Son. What a show off! Feeding all those people, performing all those miracles, walking on water, teaching people. The persecution he faced! The betrayal! The torture! All for us, his brothers and sisters, so that all of our sins could be forgiven and we could join him in heaven? I can't phatom that. But the Father, now that's something I can understand....
I had an AWESOME dad. Charmed childhood, spoiled rotten, all of that. He was gone too soon and I consequently never learned to trust adults. I never learned respect for my elders. I thought I did. I learned manners, but not true respect. And who could possibly know more than the Creator? So I am learning to listen to His wisdom, respect and honor Him by listening and learning from Him. I am trying to be open and to communicate more honestly. I am trying to find out how I can please Him as part of His creation. I think the key is that once I do this, I can do the same for myself, and then with others. One of my favorite newly discovered Bible verses is 1 Corinthians 15:10. "But by the grace of God I am what I am and His grace which has bestowed on me was not in vain but I labored more abundantly than they all yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me." (KJV: Note: I may have messed some words up as I wrote this at 2:16 in the morning)
Isn't that the ultimate truth? "But by the grace of God I am what I am". Maybe I am strange in my ways, but I am continuing to grow in God's grace. Priority numero uno. Then, when I feel confident in that, I can move on. I'm taking baby steps. But what better season to grow even closer with Him? Thanks to the unconditional love of my spunky now six year old BFF and a special thanks to the ultimate Pops, I am learning how to again live my life in the light! Amen for that!