Being new at a church can be like being the new kid in school. I am a people watcher and I've been in a state of exile for quite a while. So watching the people at my church has been like a thirsty man drinking water. I can't get enough of it. What I see, I like. I want to be a part of it. It's the first time I've craved social interaction in over a year. But, being the new girl, I can't seem to find my place. I look around and I see all these shiny and happy people and I feel alone in the crowd. Is there anybody else out there like me? I feel so frustrated. I think it's my age.I even discreetly checked out how I smelled. I smelled awesome. Crest breath, cucumber deodorant, coconut lime verbena lotion, shower powder, and rose body spray. My hair was a little crazy, but my baby hairs refuse to be tamed after almost thirty years. This guy and girl, probably around my age, were looking for a place to sit and I was as excited as a puppy to offer them the seats next to mine. Then I was uncomfortable.
My discomfort stems from myself. I like myself. I like to wear black fingernail polish, I like my clothing style, which is California casual gone Southern. It's distinct. I love my cat. I love my tarot cards. I like different things than most Christians. At least from my previous experiences. I have to learn to get over myself. God gave me gifts. He gave me talents. And he gave me experience. (Sometimes I think he gave me too many experiences.) But most of all God gave me an all-consuming passion to learn more about Him and to grow closer in my relationship to Him. And that is the main thing.
What's amazing is that God is pursuing a relationship with me. I can feel Him trying to talk to me, trying to guide me on my spiritual, emotional, and physical journey through life. I feel hypocritical feeling this way because I denied God for so long. Because I am ..... I will have to finish this at another time.....
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Written on... 1/18/2011
You are a constantly changing work of art. I used to search for a constant in my life, cling to any little thing. But I think I've realized that the only thing that is constant in life is change. I have to work on myself constantly and so I am constantly in the process of change. But change scares the poop out of me, so I still hunt for the constants. I was at church the other day when I discovered a few things about myself. The pastor was asking how many people have fearful thoughts or negative thoughts or hopeless thoughts. As much as I have been through, as much as I have put myself and those that I love through, I don't have those kinds of thoughts. I do what I need to do and put my trust in the Lord. (Occasionally I have been known to think I was trusting in the Lord but actually be trusting in the devil, but that is a different subject.) In doing this I now realize that I am fearless. I am positive. I am hopeful.The pastor quoted a verse just as I was struck by this realization that really drove the point home with me. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV) It's true. I've been acting like a coward. I've been hiding from the world, afraid to face reality. But the time has come for me to make a stand. To prove to myself that I am the person that I believe, nay! KNOW, I am. I am preparing myself to go on an apology tour. I was prepared to start digging through the pain, but that's really not what I want to do. Who does that help? If people want to me to discuss every scar I have given them I will certainly be glad to. I deserve whatever punishment I get. But I shouldn't unnecessarily make people go through that peocess. That just hurts them even more. Actions speak louder than words and I want to SHOW how different I am. I've been letting myself be guided by money in the whole mess, but now I feel I am being guided by the Lord. Part of the constant changing. I am excited by the change now. It makes the journey more of an adventure. I've put more thought, more effort, in to the past two weeks than I have anything since 2008. Positive change.
Written on... 12/18/2010
(I want to preface this entry with a few words. When I wrote this blog I was watching a story about a girl who lied about being raped. It really frickin' peed me off. As a TRUE rape victim, I can not express to you how traumatizing the experience was and continues to be. I live in fear everyday that I will run in to my rapist, who continues to live his life footloose and fancy free. So I am very sensitive to things like this and I was in a bad mood when I wrote this. So I apologize for my crude language. Hols 1/25/2011)
A heart will never be practical until it can be made unbreakable.
I do not recant. And that dumb bitch is the reason a criminal is currently walking the streets. I am proud of Congress for a change. Repealing DADT is a step in the right direction. Had a discussion with my neighbors tonight. It's difficult to explain my relationship with Jesus. It's so complicated. (For some reason I have Marvin Gaye in my head now...) I need to know so much more about this dude. Much more than the gospels tell me. There are just so many stories, so many theories. And what about those missing years? Jesus frustrates me in a way. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely know that Jesus died for me. I have seen too much evidence in my life. Jesus, apparently, loves me. But I can't love myself. I feel like I have taken a few positive baby steps in that direction this year but I still have so far to go. Big plans for 2011. So my life is.... okay. I'm not in AA (not a huge drinker, unless you count Coke), but the first step is admitting you're wrong, right? I think that's what 2010 has been for me. Admitting, even just to myself, that I was wrong. I felt hurt and I felt justified at the time. Okay, I was pissed at the world. But 2011.... that's going to be the apology tour.....
A heart will never be practical until it can be made unbreakable.
I do not recant. And that dumb bitch is the reason a criminal is currently walking the streets. I am proud of Congress for a change. Repealing DADT is a step in the right direction. Had a discussion with my neighbors tonight. It's difficult to explain my relationship with Jesus. It's so complicated. (For some reason I have Marvin Gaye in my head now...) I need to know so much more about this dude. Much more than the gospels tell me. There are just so many stories, so many theories. And what about those missing years? Jesus frustrates me in a way. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely know that Jesus died for me. I have seen too much evidence in my life. Jesus, apparently, loves me. But I can't love myself. I feel like I have taken a few positive baby steps in that direction this year but I still have so far to go. Big plans for 2011. So my life is.... okay. I'm not in AA (not a huge drinker, unless you count Coke), but the first step is admitting you're wrong, right? I think that's what 2010 has been for me. Admitting, even just to myself, that I was wrong. I felt hurt and I felt justified at the time. Okay, I was pissed at the world. But 2011.... that's going to be the apology tour.....
Written on.....12/15/2010
Some people are so out and proud of who they are. Anyone who knows me knows that I love my gays. My oldest friend is gay. As a theatre major in college I was surrounded by gays. Even now my next door neighbor is gay. I find strength in these men who are, if I might say so, gay in their own special ways. Being gay is no easy life. I have to admit that even I have my own hang ups. This sounds awful to my own ears, but the actual ACT of being gay freaks me out. But to be fair the sight of two heterosexual people making out also skivves me out. This was lucky for my ex-boyfriend because not only was I anti-PDA, I was also against kissing in private (he could steal my soul!), and all forms of intimacy and affection disgust him. I feel like kissing is extremely personal. I feel like my soul could be sucked out of my mouth through a kiss (I read a lot of sci-fi) and I don't want to chance that with just anybody. But I have digressed.
I love how some people are so out and proud. For instance, I ran in to an old friend at the library the other day. When I asked her how she was doing, she replied, "Lovin' the Lord!" I was surprised by how shocked I was at her answer. That she just stated that so boldly! I admired that and was slightly ashamed I had not said the same answer. Am I afriad to proclaim loudly my love for the Lord? It sent me in to a wheel of introspection.
In another example, Sunday I sat on the opposite side of the sancutary from where I had been sitting. I wanted to see if i could let loose and sing again like I had the week before. i was uncomfortable. My one-lensed glasses do not help my self-esteem. (And on that note I am accepting all donations to the "get Holly to the eye doctor" fund.) But suddenly the man two rows in front of me started singing so boldly and beautifully that I felt I had to match him. We sang to beat the band. literally. We were louder than the worship team at times. Church is the only place my voice has sounded awesome since I caught that super nasty cold Groundhog's Day 2008 and fell asleep at the Warm in the Wake show. It's making me think that I may be squandering a gift...
So I have been thinking.... Am I ashamed of my growing relationship with God? That's silly. I absolutely am not. It's me I ashamed of. Because, like my gay friends, I am different. Starting with..... I LOVE GAYS! How many Christians do you know like that? But it's not my job to judge anyone. "Judge not least ye be judged." I'm leaving that job up to God. Besides, I think loving gays is what Jesus would do. Look at the crowd Jesus palled around with. A whore, a doubter, a gossip, a betrayer. The list goes on. Jesus loved EVERYONE! And what's the deal with marriage? But that's a whole different blog.... My differences don't stop there. I am pro-choice, though I would never choose an abortion. I pro-death penalty, I think Obama is doing a great job with what he was given, and I think it's ridiculous to bust someone with a little bit of weed when there are RAPISTS, kidnappers, and murderers running around FREE. Free to marry fiancees they lie to, free to engage in whatever lie they want to tell to get what they want, free to post a stupid picture of a stupid cheeseburger on Facebook. So my differences are what keep me from proclaiming my love affair with the Lord out loud because I don't think I am the type of person either side wants as a spokesperson.
But my differences are what make me special and my special uniqueness is what He loves about me. Maybe mine is just the voice to be heard. My witness is to a completely different set of people. But it doesn't diminish my newfound faith by any amount. As my passion for the Word grows, so will my self-esteem and my ability to be out and proud of all of my beliefs. Especially my love of the Lord.
I love how some people are so out and proud. For instance, I ran in to an old friend at the library the other day. When I asked her how she was doing, she replied, "Lovin' the Lord!" I was surprised by how shocked I was at her answer. That she just stated that so boldly! I admired that and was slightly ashamed I had not said the same answer. Am I afriad to proclaim loudly my love for the Lord? It sent me in to a wheel of introspection.
In another example, Sunday I sat on the opposite side of the sancutary from where I had been sitting. I wanted to see if i could let loose and sing again like I had the week before. i was uncomfortable. My one-lensed glasses do not help my self-esteem. (And on that note I am accepting all donations to the "get Holly to the eye doctor" fund.) But suddenly the man two rows in front of me started singing so boldly and beautifully that I felt I had to match him. We sang to beat the band. literally. We were louder than the worship team at times. Church is the only place my voice has sounded awesome since I caught that super nasty cold Groundhog's Day 2008 and fell asleep at the Warm in the Wake show. It's making me think that I may be squandering a gift...
So I have been thinking.... Am I ashamed of my growing relationship with God? That's silly. I absolutely am not. It's me I ashamed of. Because, like my gay friends, I am different. Starting with..... I LOVE GAYS! How many Christians do you know like that? But it's not my job to judge anyone. "Judge not least ye be judged." I'm leaving that job up to God. Besides, I think loving gays is what Jesus would do. Look at the crowd Jesus palled around with. A whore, a doubter, a gossip, a betrayer. The list goes on. Jesus loved EVERYONE! And what's the deal with marriage? But that's a whole different blog.... My differences don't stop there. I am pro-choice, though I would never choose an abortion. I pro-death penalty, I think Obama is doing a great job with what he was given, and I think it's ridiculous to bust someone with a little bit of weed when there are RAPISTS, kidnappers, and murderers running around FREE. Free to marry fiancees they lie to, free to engage in whatever lie they want to tell to get what they want, free to post a stupid picture of a stupid cheeseburger on Facebook. So my differences are what keep me from proclaiming my love affair with the Lord out loud because I don't think I am the type of person either side wants as a spokesperson.
But my differences are what make me special and my special uniqueness is what He loves about me. Maybe mine is just the voice to be heard. My witness is to a completely different set of people. But it doesn't diminish my newfound faith by any amount. As my passion for the Word grows, so will my self-esteem and my ability to be out and proud of all of my beliefs. Especially my love of the Lord.
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