Written on.....12/15/2010

Some people are so out and proud of who they are. Anyone who knows me knows that I love my gays. My oldest friend is gay. As a theatre major in college I was surrounded by gays. Even now my next door neighbor is gay. I find strength in these men who are, if I might say so, gay in their own special ways. Being gay is no easy life. I have to admit that even I have my own hang ups. This sounds awful to my own ears, but the actual ACT of being gay freaks me out. But to be fair the sight of two heterosexual people making out also skivves me out. This was lucky for my ex-boyfriend because not only was I anti-PDA, I was also against kissing in private (he could steal my soul!), and all forms of intimacy and affection disgust him. I feel like kissing is extremely personal. I feel like my soul could be sucked out of my mouth through a kiss (I read a lot of sci-fi) and I don't want to chance that with just anybody. But I have digressed.
I love how some people are so out and proud. For instance, I ran in to an old friend at the library the other day. When I asked her how she was doing, she replied, "Lovin' the Lord!" I was surprised by how shocked I was at her answer. That she just stated that so boldly! I admired that and was slightly ashamed I had not said the same answer. Am I afriad to proclaim loudly my love for the Lord? It sent me in to a wheel of introspection.
In another example, Sunday I sat on the opposite side of the sancutary from where I had been sitting. I wanted to see if i could let loose and sing again like I had the week before. i was uncomfortable. My one-lensed glasses do not help my self-esteem. (And on that note I am accepting all donations to the "get Holly to the eye doctor" fund.) But suddenly the man two rows in front of me started singing so boldly and beautifully that I felt I had to match him. We sang to beat the band. literally. We were louder than the worship team at times. Church is the only place my voice has sounded awesome since I caught that super nasty cold Groundhog's Day 2008 and fell asleep at the Warm in the Wake show. It's making me think that I may be squandering a gift...
So I have been thinking.... Am I ashamed of my growing relationship with God? That's silly. I absolutely am not. It's me I ashamed of. Because, like my gay friends, I am different. Starting with..... I LOVE GAYS! How many Christians do you know like that? But it's not my job to judge anyone. "Judge not least ye be judged." I'm leaving that job up to God. Besides, I think loving gays is what Jesus would do. Look at the crowd Jesus palled around with. A whore, a doubter, a gossip, a betrayer. The list goes on. Jesus loved EVERYONE! And what's the deal with marriage? But that's a whole different blog.... My differences don't stop there. I am pro-choice, though I would never choose an abortion. I pro-death penalty, I think Obama is doing a great job with what he was given, and I think it's ridiculous to bust someone with a little bit of weed when there are RAPISTS, kidnappers, and murderers running around FREE. Free to marry fiancees they lie to, free to engage in whatever lie they want to tell to get what they want, free to post a stupid picture of a stupid cheeseburger on Facebook. So my differences are what keep me from proclaiming my love affair with the Lord out loud because I don't think I am the type of person either side wants as a spokesperson.
But my differences are what make me special and my special uniqueness is what He loves about me. Maybe mine is just the voice to be heard. My witness is to a completely different set of people. But it doesn't diminish my newfound faith by any amount. As my passion for the Word grows, so will my self-esteem and my ability to be out and proud of all of my beliefs. Especially my love of the Lord.