Written on... 1/18/2011

You are a constantly changing work of art. I used to search for a constant in my life, cling to any little thing. But I think I've realized that the only thing that is constant in life is change. I have to work on myself constantly and so I am constantly in the process of change. But change scares the poop out of me, so I still hunt for the constants. I was at church the other day when I discovered a few things about myself. The pastor was asking how many people have fearful thoughts or negative thoughts or hopeless thoughts. As much as I have been through, as much as I have put myself and those that I love through, I don't have those kinds of thoughts. I do what I need to do and put my trust in the Lord. (Occasionally I have been known to think I was trusting in the Lord but actually be trusting in the devil, but that is a different subject.) In doing this I now realize that I am fearless. I am positive. I am hopeful.The pastor quoted a verse just as I was struck by this realization that really drove the point home with me. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV) It's true. I've been acting like a coward. I've been hiding from the world, afraid to face reality. But the time has come for me to make a stand. To prove to myself that I am the person that I believe, nay! KNOW, I am. I am preparing myself to go on an apology tour. I was prepared to start digging through the pain, but that's really not what I want to do. Who does that help? If people want to me to discuss every scar I have given them I will certainly be glad to. I deserve whatever punishment I get. But I shouldn't unnecessarily make people go through that peocess. That just hurts them even more. Actions speak louder than words and I want to SHOW how different I am. I've been letting myself be guided by money in the whole mess, but now I feel I am being guided by the Lord. Part of the constant changing. I am excited by the change now. It makes the journey more of an adventure. I've put more thought, more effort, in to the past two weeks than I have anything since 2008. Positive change.